Product Description
Why does talk in families so often go in circles, leaving us tied up in knots? In this illuminating book, Deborah Tannen, the linguist and and bestselling author of You Just Don’t Understand and many other books, reveals why talking to family members is so often painful and problematic even when we’re all adults. Searching for signs of acceptance and belonging, we find signs of disapproval and rejection. Why do the seeds of family love so often yield a harves… More >>
#1 by Bernadette A. Moyer on May 21, 2010 - 10:53 pm
Exceptional reference for the verbal and the non verbal communicator. Best analogy “Do you hear what I mean?” As a wife of a non verbal communicator and a mother of three one who masters the english language and has strong communication skills to the youngest who struggle with basic communication, I have personally found this title to be instrumental in navigating through our own family and our verbal form of expression.
When exposed to those that struggle with the command of the english language I have had to learn new ways to communicate. This tile is completely on target and goes to posture, stance, tone and so much more.
How our presentation can make a positive or negative impact on the receiver. Often our intent of caring is misunderstood due to our presentation and/or the preconceived disposition of our intended audience.
After reading I was able to grasp the fact that sometimes no matter what was said it was improperly “processed.” Truly it is the processing that counts most. Understanding that not everyone processes the same information in the same fashion can be eye opening and yet become an obvious reality.
The author drives home that we need to educate and understand and to be educated and understanding with our communication skills.
Rating: 5 / 5
#2 by Anonymous on May 21, 2010 - 11:40 pm
If you’ve read any of Ms. Tannen’s other books, and especially if you’ve read several, there will be very little here that is new for you. The material that is specific to the subject matter — communication within families — is probably not new to you either. The fact that children want to be independent and that parents want to care for them is not a piece of breakthrough information! On the other hand, if you have not read any of her previous publications, you will get a quick insight into such concepts as the communication style conflicts between men and women, and between certain ethnic and cultural groups.
Rating: 3 / 5
#3 by Anonymous on May 22, 2010 - 1:08 am
Chapter 1 of Tannen’s latest book provides some fabulous new insights to relationships of all kinds. Her discussions of the connection-control schema and meta-messages concept allow the reader to gain new perspectives on those sometimes frustrating interactions with loved ones (or coworkers, or strangers…). The rest of the book is really just “gravy” on top of the information in Chapter 1. Wow, I loved this book– a definite recommendation to anyone interested in better understanding relationship communication (I see my mother’s “advice,” formerly a source of frustration/anger, in a whole new light!).
Rating: 5 / 5
#4 by Marcy A. Sheiner on May 22, 2010 - 1:32 am
Would that it were true that family relationships came down to the words we use when we talk to one another. Tannen tries to wrestle complex family dynamics into conversational styles, and fails dismally. Much of the “insights” are superficial, suggestions for improving relationships minimal, and the examples provided are tedious and boring. I had high hopes for this book but it provided little that was useful to me.
Rating: 2 / 5
#5 by Kimberley Mitchell on May 22, 2010 - 1:35 am
I loved Tannen’s _You Just Don’t Understand_ because of the fresh insights it provided, so I was especially disappointed when _I Only Say This Because I Love You_ failed to provide the same feeling of discovery and excitement.
The book focuses on the frequent difference between the actual words that are spoken, and the meaning behind the words (meta-message), which is often about trying to create more connectedness or to alter the power and control dynamics of the relationship.
I found it interesting, but not revolutionary (and I’d come to expect revolutionary from Dr. Tannen).
By understanding the meta-messages both from ourselves and from others, we should have more power to address the meta-messages directly and not get involved in petty bickering and emotional responses that go nowhere except round-and-round.
Overall, I would say that the book contains useful insights and helpful advice, but for people who have already spent time analyzing their intimate relationships, there’s probably not much new.
Rating: 3 / 5